Why so many “confession” posts?
Well, I give the readers what they want.
And according to my analytics, you, dear readers, like transparency.
Only, I’m torn in my response to the numbers leaping up when I write posts like this.
On one hand,
- I hope that as I provide an honest look into my life as a Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, writer, artist, and coach, the vulnerability, combined with a perseverance to overcome, begets more hope.
And then there’s . . .
- Why are my most read posts the one’s outlining my difficulties and struggles? Are the readers going, “A ha! See, she’s NOT all that.” (And not that I think, or am trying to be all that, but still wondering a tad if the reader isn’t secretly taking joy in my hardships.)
Regardless . . . “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;”
Depression.
(There. I said it. Er, rather, typed it.)
I’ve been all about, “My husband struggles with depression,” and “Winters are hard,” and “I have a difficult time Fall-Winter”, and “I bought a happy light!” Soooooo skirting around it.
Let’s just name it.
Depression.
(I finally used the “D” word with George the other day. “Depressed” – following the pronoun “I”, and “am”.)
“I’ve been waiting for you to admit it.” (He knew all along.)
It’s why I hole up. Hibernate. Work out fiercely. Eat well. And sometimes binge. Write a lot. Invest my days pouring into my customers and coaches. Read scripture. Read personal development. Say “no” to stuff. Avoid gatherings. Use essential oils. Sit in front of a happy light. 
Choose only positive relationships and activities that fuel me. Do not allow George to bring church “stuff” into the house. Focus on what’s in front of me – rather than around me. Wake heavy. Am freezing – all. the. time. I could lay in bed all day. Never get dressed. Without some very deliberate and methodical habits in my life, I might never leave the house. To some, I may be a bit obsessive and overly focused in certain personal areas.
There’s a reason.
Survival.
During the winter, a doctor would put me on medication in a snap.
No thanks, Doc.
I will fight.
With every healthy decision I possibly can.
If you don’t struggle with depression, you won’t know. You won’t understand. You may even take my behaviors personally. I know I did, when George first started dealing with depression. I would get annoyed. Think he wasn’t trying enough. And why couldn’t he just adopt the “fake it, ’till you make it” approach to life? Cher’s line from Moonstruck, comes to mind, “Snap out of it!”
Thing is. We can’t.
And that can be disappointing. For all parties involved. And while I’m highly functioning, (I would never want to give the impression that I struggle as deeply as I know many do – their plight should never be minimized), I may not function highly enough for the likes of others. I’ve had well-meaning friends ask me if I’m bitter about something because I don’t linger at church on Sundays. I come, go to service, and leave.
Truth be told – I can hardly get myself out of bed on Sundays. And I crave quiet in the midst of this trial. The most uncomfortable place for me is the not-quite-an-hour coffee hour, or just cheery “hellos” and “happy Sundays!” Sorry. Those are situations I find very difficult to navigate. Often, I come to church simply out of obedience.
Depression.
(So there, I used the real word.)
I’ve had this for 3 years now . . . always arriving in late Fall. However, this bully of a winter has exasperated it. Thus, I realize that this year may have been worse than normal – more intense, and definitely situational. It totally blew the curve.
Last night I thought ahead to next Winter, and already started strategizing what I could do to not make it as bad as this Winter.
The only answer I came up with was to move to a warmer climate.
And since that’s not in the plans, I know I will have to face this head on next year as well.
“Jo, if you didn’t have your Beachbody community to get you “outside”, and your workout ethic, you would be in a pretty bad place.”
My husband is clever, caring, and absolutely correct.
This Pastor’s wife cannot always be the initiator. She won’t always be present. And, while I’m an actor, I just can’t fake the smile or the conversation. If you see me online and wonder why I’m so present/positive here, and seem absolutely fine, it’s because my blog and my online community are easier for me to connect with when I want to be physically alone. And part of why I am winning this battle, is because of my commitment to share truth and strength with others who are in the same place. So you won’t get mopey or crabby complaints, photos, or articles from me. As tough as it is, I am smart enough to know which road NOT to walk down.
Why feed my problem and possibly the problems of others? That would be irresponsible.
And there you have it.
How do you like them eggrolls, Mr. Goldstone?
