Why putting yourself first isn’t selfish

Keynote Speaker: Heart to Heart event for the Beaver County Cancer and Heart Association

Given on November 5, 2015

Seven Oaks Country Club, Beaver PA

For those who were at this event last year, I just want to come clean and say that I’ve never medaled in the Olympics, nor have I every competed in the Olympics. I’ll leave that accolade to Lauren Williams who is so inspiring. Don’t we just look at someone like Lauren and say, “Wow, she is absolutely amazing!” Then, we search our memories for something amazing we’ve done. Take yesterday when I successfully carried all my grocery bags from the car to the house. In one trip. My family has witnessed my personal competition as I balance every bag just so, slam the trunk shut with my hip, scale our front steps and then YELL “Door!” Truly, a medal-worthy accomplishment.

I LOVED hearing Lauren last year at my first Heart to Heart event with the beaver county cancer and heart association. Thank you, Jackie for asking me to speak (even though I make you workout every day), and thank you to the board for having me.

I am often drawn to stories of people like Lauren who are able to achieve success. Do you ever wonder what makes them tick? What is the common denominator of those who are able to accomplish incredible goals?

I mean here I stand at 46. I would certainly describe several events in my personal life as medal-worthy:

  • I’ve been a freelancer for the majority of my adult life and have held own several small jobs all at once (murder mystery party (pie), captain crunch (captain crunch)), while my husband got through graduate school. Thank God those years were before FB.
  • I’ve weathered auditions and being told “No”
  • Casting directors,
  • The birth of two children, one of whom struggled early on with diagnosed social anxiety  (there’s nothing that will rip a mamas heart wide open then seeing their child struggle)
  • Moving away from a rich 20 years of my life history in Chicago to come here to Beaver
  • Started a new business,
  • Returning to theater after an 8 year absence
  • Winning a modest acting award, (I add this because we are all women and I played a militant lactation consultant)
  • I remained standing (barely) when my husband’s depression and OCD broke open like busted pipe the very summer we moved here, even reaching such dangerous boiling point last year that I wondered how are marriage was going to make it
  • Recovered from an entire year of beating myself up over failed friendships,
  • Processed the death of beloved friends to cancer. I now reserve the word that my once young son learned rhymes with duck, to describe the plague of a disease.
  • And, as a former pastor’s wife, lived through a church split and still love Jesus,

I share all of this, and could list more, because it’s important to acknowledge that moments like these often feel like Olympic-like victories.

I bet you could make a similar list of life’s endurable moments.

I also share this with you tonight, because it’s important for you to know that I’m not here because I’m a celebrity. Or a famous talk show host. I’m not wealthy. I hold no political office. I don’t have a master’s degree or a doctorate. I’ve not written a book. I don’t have medals hanging on the wall.

I am simply a woman, who 5 years ago at 41, realized that I was frantically treading water while holding my breath. I was so hyper-focused on everyone else’s needs around me that I failed to recognize that the lack of attention to myself could have a damaging affect on the health of my own family – for I wasn’t really doing a great job of caring for them. I was simply dog-paddling my way through life while carrying the entire emotional weight of my family, on my shoulders. Perhaps, had I been healthier, this would have been OK.  But I wasn’t OK.

Thus, I learned, back in 2010, that without proper attention to my own physical, emotional, mental and even personal needs, I would continue to view and approach life as an assembly line of chaotic situations, one after the other, rather than truly enjoying life, weathering situations that came at me, and being able to serve others.

During the process of learning this about myself, I figured out what it is I admire most about those who seem to achieve what we would consider to be “the big stuff”. It’s focus. An unwavering and unapologetic focus on their priorities.

My hope for other women

In my business as a Wellness Coach I desperately want women find focus, and to see and experience that they, we, can accomplish more than the negative voices inside our heads or our current circumstances dictate we can.

Now I know women, so here is the caution . . .

The point is not to compare whose life has been more trying, or even who has accomplish more – comparison is the thief of joy – but rather, we should aim to be secure enough to high five each other and encourage one another towards as my husband calls it, “relentless forward progress” When we do that, we all win.

Everyday, we are faced with situations that if we choose, tempt us to give up, sit on the bench and walk off the field. Especially when we are tired, worn out, overworked, unheard, ignored, or feeling under appreciated. One of the occupational hazards of being a wife, mother, and being wired to nurture and care, is ignoring our own personal needs. We lose focus and when that happens we fall into the habit of seeing every tough situation as an emergency.

I have lived that way. This very week, actually!

How do I remain so focused?

How am I still breathing?

I adopted the art of securing my oxygen mask first.

Many of you will cringe at the thought. It’s selfish. Ungrateful. What about the golden rule of “treat others the way you want to be treated”? What about our children?

Flight attendants are charged with the task of keeping passengers safe. Unless they work with SW and have a kitchy routine of showing you the safety features of the airplane (through a musical theater number or rap) – we tend to tune them out. And yet, we can all repeat the script that goes something like this, “In the event of a change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the panel above you. Please secure your mask before assisting other passengers.”

But then, there’s this often overlooked phrase . . . continue to breath normally.

If I have it correct, we must secure our mask first, breathe normally, and then assist others – which I guarantee will not happen if NOT BREATHING.

Just as I was convicted that I wasn’t taking care of myself, I want to give you permission to secure your mask FIRST in order THAT you can better assist others. If we were on a plane, We would listen and obey a flight attendant in an emergency situation, but often, in the daily chaos of life, we don’t follow the same advice. Instead, many walk around breathing erratically, reacting haphazardly, and are headed towards losing focus due to lack of oxygen. We may be existing, but are we LIVING? How close are we to passing out.

So let’s tackle a few areas where cabin pressure tends to decrease. The oxygen mask has dropped into your lap. You now control what action you take next. Let me repeat that. You control the mask. You have a choice to use it, or leave it hanging.

In these 4 areas, I’m going to challenge you to secure your mask first, and begin breathing normally so you can assist someone else. And because I know many will ask, “But where do I start?”  I’ll even share the exact flight path I took for learning how to breathe normally again and regain my focus.

  1. Physical mask: Exercise/Nutrition

  • You must. You just must. You must. I can’t even apologize. There is just no way around this. My first oxygen mask that I secured was the physical one. Adopting daily exercise and smart, balanced, healthy whole food nutrition surprised me by acting as a flywheel by which I was able to conquer other areas of my life needing improvement. It was a catalyst for life-change. This mask will not guarantee 6-pack abs. Your cellulite and stretchmark’s will still be present – but the quality of life will improve – I don’t need to convince with facts and figures. You simply need to know that you are valuable and worth the effort. And we take care of those things we deem valuable. The only reason we do not secure this mask, is because . . . we do not secure this mask. This is one mask over which we have total control to do, or not to do. Secure your physical mask and breathe normally.

  1. Mental mask: Priorities

  • As my physical energy and strength improved so did my foggy brain and my focus! A new mask dropped: the mental mask. In the past I had lived “give a mouse a cookie” existence, starting a task and quickly abandoning it when something else came up. And then repeated that behavior until I was left with unfinished projects. The mask of exercise taught me the value of completion. The discipline of finishing what I start – which I really needed to infuse into my daily “to-do” list. I began to look at my day through this new mask and learned to plan my schedule around my priorities, which are: My faith, my family, and personal growth. These now serve as a filter by which I evaluate how I approach my day. We cannot always control our schedules – bills, school, job deadlines, etc. – for life doesn’t revolve around us. So it’s even more important to make sure to first schedule and complete items that are my personal priorities. By doing so, I am able to weather unexpected diversions much more maturely and responsibly. Evaluate you top 3 priorities and plan you schedule with them in mind, first. Secure your mental mask and breathe normally.

  1. Emotional mask: Relationships

  • And then, I learned a very difficult lesson. The emotional mask was dangling in front of me, but i ignored it. I had it all together now. I was breathing fine and incredibly focused. And then, I made a grave mistake. I hurt a friend. Gossip always finds its way back home. The relationship never recovered. After allowing the situation to pummel me daily, I finally grabbed the emotional mask and made a commitment to myself. Repeat after me: Not my circus. (wait) Not my monkeys. We sure do like to insert ourselves in situations that don’t involve us. Drama, Facebook debates, and the inability to apologize or forgive, suck precious air from our bodies. Drama depletes our emotional oxygen. It took me a long time to learn that it was more important to Forgive, release, and bless others, than be right. I’ve also learned that it is ok to protect ourselves from those who are prone to gossip, are manipulative, overly critical, or creators of drama in our world. I now escort those from the front row of my life to a new seat in the balcony of my personal theater. (My counselor husband would tell you to show them to the lobby. There are drinks out there.) Leave the drama for the stage. Secure your emotional mask and breathe normally.

  1. Personal mask: Hobbies

  • This is probably my favorite mask. It’s been dangling in front of me all my life.  My personal mask. When I secure this mask I breathe in those areas of my life that I enjoy, because they are the first to be neglected when experiencing stress. While giving me joy, I easily take their health benefit for granted and risk ignoring them: My time with the Lord in the morning, journaling, praying. Why is it that when we are not taking care of ourselves or are in a bad place, we forget or consciously cast off the behaviors that will actually help us? Like reading, being a lifelong learner and hopefully having learned how to be a better friend. It’s self-sabotage. The benefit of personal development or taking time for fun, like tonight, should not be discounted. One year I committed to writing a thank-you card every day for a year. This year I made the goal of reading 52 books. (I’m on 45). I love to help other women make fitness into a business and encourage them to turn their interests and hobbies into a vocation. Along with the other masks, this one fuels me in a different way. The personal mask slows me from being reactionary and helps me to process life’s hiccups by learning and sharing and focusing on becoming a better me. I’ve got my personal mask on right now – talking with you. I am enjoying this. What do YOU love to do? Do it. Talk with someone who can help you do it. Do it by securing your personal mask and breathing normally.

For the record, while my kids still complain that I work too much, I did ask my daughter if what I was sharing this evening was true: She emailed me . . .

“Since you started exercise I feel like you have gotten a lot happier. After you finish working out, you come downstairs and are really happy. You are now like one of those moms that when you ask her to come with you to do something physical, she will be really exited to do it with you. I really like that you started working out.”

Please take care of yourself. They are watching.

As for my words sounding selfish, only you know your true intentions for putting yourself first. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish.

It’s only selfish to do so when your motivation is solely for personal gain.

 Self-care does not mean neglecting someone else’s needs. Self-care means fueling oneself in order to MEET someone else’s needs.

 Secure you mask.

Breathe normally.

 

~Joline Atkins

November 5, 2015